He's great in every other respect, he's caring, fun, thoughtful—but when it comes to great sex, well, not so much.
You may be asking yourself:
What should you do about bad sex?
Can your relationship survive?
Are relationships doomed without a good sex life?
Bad sex doesn't necessarily make a man bad.
Thankfully, most men can be better lovers with a little open, candid conversation and possibly a few new tools, tactics, and changes.
Quick FAQs
Yes, there are things like over-the-counter climax control sprays and wipes, and creams that are all available without a prescription.
Yes, exercises/techniques like Kegels, edging, or the start-stop method can significantly increase a man's time till ejaculation.
Yes, foods that are high in magnesium and zinc can help with testosterone support. Other foods can help increase libido like; oysters, spinach, dark chocolate, and almonds.
Help, My Boyfriend Sucks In Bed
When your everyday life and relationship are fine, you may feel complaints about sex are unwarranted.
Even worse, most people assume that good sex is split pretty evenly among men and women, but it's not by a long shot.
In a survey conducted by Healthy Women, 62% of women admitted that they weren't happy with their sex life with their partners, and only about 1 in 4 were able to achieve orgasm during sex.
By contrast, studies have shown that a large majority of men (80%) are satisfied with their sex lives, and most men reach an orgasm during sex.
So, if you feel like your boyfriend is failing in the bedroom as your sexual partner, you're certainly not the only one dealing with bad sex.
So many things can lead to bad sex:
general relationship problems
health problems that effect sexual function or desire
sexual incongruency not matching
Some of the top complaints from most women include:
Lack of sexual desire on his part
Little/not enough foreplay
Inability to orgasm before him
Health issues that get in the way can also be a big deal.
For example, men who have heart disease can be more prone to erectile dysfunction, which can absolutely make satisfying sex harder to achieve.
What can I do to help make him better?
So, your relationship is great, and the sexual attraction is fine on your end—is the subpar sex a deal-breaker?
Good news!
Your boyfriend is probably not a lost cause, even if he has a few sexual issues.
Many women avoid bringing up the topic for fear that their partner will take it as a personal insult. Others operate under the assumption he should know or hope that he’ll eventually get the point.
However, he may be sailing through sex, totally oblivious to the idea that it's not great sex unless you open up and tell the truth.
Even if you are not his first sexual partner, those partners before you didn't tell him what YOU like—that's totally up to you and your body.
How to talk openly about your sexual relationship
The key is to approach the conversation the right way or in a way that makes him feel good.
Don't just open the conversation with, "Hey, dude, sorry. You're bad in bed," or start by comparing his performance to other men and past partners.
Instead, let him know:
how sexually attracted you are to him
tell him you would like to talk about how you both could get more pleasure during sex
Communicate during sex
If you're fearful of a candid sex conversation, just communicate during sex. Make it an erotic attempt, but give him compliments and pointers.
For example, if you crave longer oral sex sessions, tell your boyfriend what feels good and how you want it.
2. Try delay sprays and wipes before sex
There is already a relatively understood "orgasm gap" between man and woman orgasms—women tend to hit the finish line later than men.
If this happens to be the case with you and your partner, you may not get the time to thoroughly enjoy sex with him. PE sprays and wipes may give you some hope.
Products like Promescent Desensitizing Spray and wipes are formulated with desensitizing agents that are applied directly to the penis. The numbing agents sort of dull the sensations that encourage climax, which may help him last longer.
3. Check his diet
Certain foods may help deter premature ejaculation and even encourage an erection or have aphrodisiac properties.
Foods rich in both magnesium and zinc are good options if your partner is a lackluster lover.
Some may help boost libido, while some may help with erectile functioning.
A few examples of foods to propose to your so-so lover include:
Oysters
Yogurt
Pumpkin seeds
Beef and lamb
Garlic
Dark chocolate
Spinach
Almonds
Wheat germ
For an added punch as you work with your partner on the road to good sex, consider getting him on a daily regimen of VitaFLUX for men.
VitaFLUX is a clinically proven formula that may help maintain healthy testosterone and libido levels and increase erectile functioning by encouraging circulation.
Physical activity is always an excellent way to keep the body in shape, which can carry over as positive outcomes in bed.
However, certain exercises and physical techniques are better suited to support good sex.
Kegels
Many women do Kegels to support a good sex life, but this exercise can be just as valuable for a man.
Kegels are basic pelvic floor exercises that may help give a man more control over ejaculation and movement during sex.
The general technique looks something like this:
Locate the pelvic floor muscles by practicing stopping urination mid-stream
Tighten those muscles
Hold for three seconds, release for three seconds
Repeat the process
Over time, your boyfriend's pelvic floor will get stronger. As that happens, he will likely have more stamina and control during sex.
Like with any exercise regimen, you should discuss this with your doctor before beginning Kegel exercises.
Get in some cardio
Generally speaking, a man that's in good shape is physically capable of performing better in the bedroom, and cardio may have a big part to play here.
There is a significant correlation between heart conditions and erectile dysfunction.
The heart is the primary muscle of the circulatory system, so if it is not working as it should, there may not be enough blood flow to the penis.
Cardio is one of the best types of exercise to support the heart. So, in theory, cardio could also be one of the best exercises to support good sex.
Studies have shown that men who get about 160 minutes of cardio every week for six months have decreased problems with ED and probably a better sexual relationship because of it.
If your guy is generally a couch-dweller or doesn't spend much time up and moving, try to get him up and active several times a week.
Exercising together can even be a great way to get some much-needed one-on-one time in the relationship.
Try edging with your partner
Edging, also referred to as the "start-stop" method, is a technique a man can use during sex to delay ejaculation.
Essentially, edging involves sexual stimulation or pleasure until a guy reaches a point when orgasm is imminent but then stops before that happens.
When the urge to ejaculate subsides, the guy can then proceed with sex with a partner. He can stop and start as many times as he needs to and extend sex with his partner.
It should be noted that when the “stop” happens, you may see a slight decline in your erection and that a change in sexual activity may be needed to re-engage said erection.
Try Some New Sex Positions
Is he still stuck on the same tried-and-true position that worked the first night you spent together? Maybe switching things up will help.
You don't have to get all Kama Sutra or bend your body in unimaginable angles to have better sex, but certain sex positions may be both fun to try and lead to a happy ending.
Here are a few your partner may be interested in trying out:
Reverse cowgirl - You're on top but facing away from him
Doggy style - You're on all fours, and your boyfriend is on his knees from behind
Spooning - Lie in the bed on your sides, him behind you, your knees slightly bent and pulled upward
Wheelbarrow - Woman face down, the man supporting her legs from behind and between her legs
Legs over shoulders - Woman on her back, legs on his shoulders while he kneels in front of her
Work in a few new positions before just totally writing off your relationship partner as “bad in bed.”
You may find that the switch-up means you both enjoy sex so much more or even reach a new level of intimacy.
5. Talk to your guy about PE and ED pills
If you suspect your boyfriend is having issues with sexual function, there is still hope. Convince him to talk to a doctor or look for remedies that could help.
Don't forget; both problems are underdiagnosed because men don't like starting the conversation with their partners or care providers.
Pro Tip: If you think you're suffering from erectile dysfunction then talk to the professionals at Promescent about prescription ED meds.
St. John’s Wort
Scientifically known as Hypericum Perforatum, St. John's Wort is an herbal supplement available over the counter that may help men who deal with PE.
St. John's Wort is known to generate similar actions as prescribed antidepressants, which means it may encourage serotonin levels in the brain and help delay ejaculation.
One study found that, on average, men experienced an increased intravaginal ejaculation latency time (IELT) from just over a minute to nearly six minutes when taking St. John's Wort.
SSRIs
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs, aka antidepressants) are sometimes prescribed to men dealing with sexual issues like PE.
A few of the most commonly prescribed include:
Priligy (Dapoxetine) - Inhibits the transport of serotonin, which may delay ejaculation
Zoloft (Sertraline) - Increases the level of serotonin, which may also delay ejaculation
Paxil (Paroxetine) - Works to help restore the balance of serotonin in the brain.
An important side note, SSRIs can impose sexual issues on many men, even though some men are fine.
Specifically, SSRIs may affect arousal levels and make it difficult for him to climax.
So, if your boyfriend is already on an SSRI and has the aforementioned sexual issues, it may be a good idea to speak to a doctor about potential alternatives.
Phosphodiesterase-5 Inhibitors (PDE-5)
If your boyfriend has difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection satisfactory enough for penetrative sex, your sexual relationship is most likely lacking.
With ED, no matter how sexually attracted he is to you, his body simply may not take the physiological steps to allow him to express those feelings to give you pleasure.
A prescription to help with ED may enhance sex. A few of the most commonly prescribed include:
Levitra (Verdenafil) - Relaxes blood vessels in the penis to encourage an erection
Viagra (Sildenafil) - Encourages blood flow to the penis to produce an erection
Cialis (Tadalafil) - Increases blood flow to certain areas of the penis to help with ED
Don't forget, while effective, pretty much every prescribed ED medication does come along with some risk of side effects. Therefore, it is essential to talk to a doctor in-depth about the risks before committing to treatment.
6. Stamina trainers
If your boyfriend has issues with PE or simply can't last as long as you need him to for your pleasure reasons, a stamina trainer might be able to help.
Stamina trainers are tools that men can use to prolong the duration of time it takes to reach ejaculation during sex.
These tools may be in the form of something like a male masturbator or even an app that uses cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. Some revolutionary stamina trainers use both.
MYHIXEL Device
The MYHIXEL is an app-enabled sleeve masturbator for men that offers a combination of heat and vibrations that mimic the sensations a man feels during sex.
The MYHIXEL trainer is obviously going to be a satisfying tool for your boyfriend to use on his own (or with your help during foreplay), but it may also enhance your pleasure in the end.
The masturbator comes with a proven training program that you use with the device. In studies, men who used MYHIXEL alongside the training program enhanced ejaculation time by a few minutes on average.
The PEA app
The PEA app from GetPea is a stamina-training app that takes a man through various step-by-step levels and exercises to help them better control ejaculation.
PEA works by:
Showing a man his "point of no return" during stimulation
Monitor arousal levels
Pinpoint the sensations that occur before climax
PEA is said to enhance time-to-ejaculation by 2.5 minutes just by mastering the first level of training.
7. Seek relationship counseling or talk to a sex therapist
Like women, men can have emotional elements and personal feelings that affect whether he is good or bad in bed.
Sometimes, talking through issues with a trained professional can be a good start toward a healthier sexual relationship or even great sex.
Talking to a relationship counselor about the problems that affect your relationship and doing a bit of relationship work could make a big difference where sexual attraction is concerned.
Likewise, sexual therapy may help. Even though working with a sex therapist may sound uncomfortable or taboo, it really isn't as uncomfortable as it sounds.
The sex therapist doesn't follow you and your partner into the bedroom; they are simply the person that talks you and your partner through your sex issues and offers recommendations to help strengthen your sexual connection.
Important Takeaways
Relationships are not built on a single element—sex is only one facet of life with your partner, albeit an important one.
A few steps, a few lifestyle changes, and a little conversation may make all the difference in the sex life department.
Whether it’s a lack of interest in the bedroom or some physical issues that are getting in the way, there’s likely something that can be done about it to make sure you have a good sex life.
Dr. Jordan Soper is a Board Certified Psychologist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of The Center for Sexual Health and Wellness in Las Vegas, NV. Dr. Soper’s areas of expertise include evidence-based treatment for sexual health and functioning disorders, anxiety, and trauma with diverse populations including military/Veterans, first responders, police officers, members of the LGBTQ+ community, young professionals, students, therapists, sexual assault survivors, and members of the BDSM/Kink/Fetish community. She is passionate about education, advocacy, and using humor to decrease shame and stigma around mental and sexual health concerns.
Sources:
Absorption Pharmaceuticals LLC (Promescent) has strict informational citing guidelines and relies on peer-reviewed studies, academic or research institutions, medical associations, and medical experts. We attempt to use primary sources and refrain from using tertiary references and only citing trustworthy sources. Each article is reviewed, written, and updated by Medical Professionals or authoritative Experts in a specific, related field of practice. You can find out more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our editorial policy.
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